Thursday, March 23, 2017

Submitted




Every quarter the DAP (adoption people) in our little boy's country shuts down and does not accept any new adoption family files during that time.  The DAP issues travel dates for families. All of our paper work was in country except our USCIS approval. It was on its way to us, but we didn't know if it would get here in enough time for us to get it to our little boy's country before the shut down.  It came Monday! I hurried and got it notarized, apostille,d and sent it off. It needed to be in country one week before the shut down for us to have a chance at being submitted. Our document reached Ukraine the end of yesterday, and today we received the news that we had been submitted! I wasn't expecting it to be that fast. So many little miracles. Now we wait for travel dates. This usually happens in 4-5 weeks but, things have changed over there, and we are not really sure how this new change will affect travel dates. We are getting so close!

Friday, March 17, 2017

Be Still



The last couple of weeks have been  a great test of faith.  In order for us to adopt internationally, we had to get approval from USCIS (Immigration). In the adoption world we call this the golden ticket.  There are certain requirements that they look for. They want to make sure you are suitable to adopt and that you can care for the child once you bring them home.  I called to see if we had been assigned an officer and we had. I talked to her and she told me that I would be getting a request for evidence in the mail in about 10-21 days! My heart sunk! wait NO!!! not a pink slip!!! this is the dreaded slip that we as adoptive moms worry about getting,and it was happening to us.  She would not tell me on the phone what it was about. She just said that they had a question and she doesn't have good luck explaining it over the phone and I would just have to wait! She has no idea what torture that is to an adoptive mom. I had to wait 3 weeks to find out what she wanted???  do they not understand we want to get to our children? I  admit it I was a mess!! I was so fearful of the outcome. My mind was taking me to the worst case scenario. the one where I get the answer that our application was denied. I thought of every possible thing that could be wrong. Then the I started to doubt. I started to doubt the on who brought this to us. The one who said "go" the one who said  "I will make a way for you. Have faith, trust in MY PLAN, I will not leave you."  yep, I started to doubt God. I didn't want to hear from others that it was all in God's timing and that there must be a  reason. Just have faith! I have said those exact words to others during hard times, but today they were not comforting to me. Have faith?? I don't have faith, and I don't understand any of this. I spent the next couple of days with a fearful heart. I was choosing fear and a whole lot of pain! I found myself on my knees many times begging for a miracle! I was sitting at  try the park one day praying for some kind of comfort and peace. I don't know about you, but the Lord often times answers my prayers through music. This song came on the radio by Hillary Scott.

Still

                I believe that You were God alone
                But sometimes I still try to take control
                ‘Cause I get scared when I can't see the end
                 And all You want from me is to let go

                 You're parting waters
                  Making a rain for me
                  You're moving mountains that I don't even see
                 You've answered my prayer before I even speak
                All You need for me to be is still

                I bring my praise before I bring my need
               ‘Cause there's no fear You've not already seen
                I rest my heart on all Your promises
              ‘Cause I have seen and know Your faithfulness
              And know that You are God

             Be still
            And know that You, trust that You are parting waters
             Lord, You whispered my name
            Oh, You answered my prayer
             You're moving mountains
How many times do we try to control things in our lives that are out of our control?  when we can't see the end we question and we faith in the one that brought us to this point in our lives.  and all he wants for us is to LET GO and to BE still. I was also reminded that he never promised me that once I started on this journey that it would be easy, he never said there wouldn't be times of pain and sorrow, but he did promise that he would be with us every step of the way.  There is a talk that I have listened too many time since we started this adoption and I love it so much. It is by Jeffery R. Holland titled "Cast not away therefore your confidence."    
I love his words "Fear ye not.” And when the second and the third and the fourth blows come, “fear ye not. . . . The Lord shall fight for you.” “Cast not away therefore your confidence.”

I called our officer and asked her if she would please just tell me what it was about and she was very nice and apologized for worrying me. She was confused about my income from being a Host parent because it isn't taxed, and she didn't understand what it was. I remember thinking to myself  "is that all? I worried for a whole week and that is all she wants?" I had the information she wanted and was able to send it in right away. Yesterday,  I saw the USCIS number come through and I am pretty sure my heart stopped beating and I forgot to breath as I answered the phone. She very business like,  informed me that she was able to approve us and it was already in the mail! We are moving forward again. One step closer. ONE GIANT step closer to having him in our arms. 
 BE STILL and KNOW that I AM God!









Friday, March 3, 2017

A mother's heart

     I woke up this morning to the sound of falling snow. If you listen closely, snow does have a sound. It is a peaceful quiet sound as if all the earth has stopped. I could see the tiny snow flakes in the light of the street lamps, dancing as they weightlessly drifted to the ground. Each one spoke to me a message of love and peace. A message that all is well. I have wanted to share my heart for a while now, yet I just can't seem to find the words to describe how I feel about orphans.  Many ask why we are adopting. I have heard comments such as"you have enough children". "You can't save them all". . "why would you want to do this. This child will always be with you. what about retiring you will never have time to do things". "what about your other kids, it's not fair to them". These comments may be innocent, but it doesn't make them any less painful.
     Others cannot begin to understand my heart unless they have experienced what I have experienced.  How it feels to yearn to hold a once forgotten  little boy that is on the other side of the world.  Let me start from the beginning. I was 14 years old when I was touched be the lives of 3 children with special needs. I was drawn to these children who were in my neighborhood and attended church with me. I remember feeling so much love when I was around them. I was asked by their family if I wanted a summer job taking care of them. I was so excited to spend my summer days with these children. I learned so much from them. I learned very quickly what to do when they had a seizure, I learned that people can be cruel and that they didn't understand the world of special needs, and  I learned how to run really fast when they would take off down the road HAHA!!  Most of all I  learned that love wasn't what I thought it was. I knew that God had blessed my life by bringing those kids into my world. As time went on and I continued to go through my teenage years, my passion for kids with special needs grew.
     When I was a senior in high school I got a job at a care center for children with special needs. I sadly learned the truth of what these families were going through. There just  wasn't any support for families at that time and so a lot of children were cared for outside of the home in care centers. I woke up  everyday excited to see those kids. I had so many wonderful experiences while I was working there. I saw things that broke my heart, children who had been abused, children who had been abandoned, families who came to see their children and left in tears. They felt hopeless and longed to care for their children, but circumstances made it difficult for them to do so. Most of all my heart hurt for the ones with no family. I wanted to take them home and show them what love was and what it felt like to have a family.
    I had big dreams back then. I used to lay in bed at night and imagine what my life was going to be like. I would get married to a wonderful man and together we would adopt all these beautiful children that were invisible to most. Well, life didn't really go as planned, and my dream eventually faded until I had completely given up on it.  Until, years latter when I gave birth to my fourth child. A little girl that would change so many lives. Mariah came into this world with a little something extra. Extra love, Extra compassion, Extra grace, Extra spunkiness, Extra courage. When I heard the words "your daughter has Down syndrome" My world was turned upside down in a beautiful way. Her story deserves its own post but, it is part of a bigger story.
    You see I remember searching one day on the Internet to find information on Down syndrome and a picture popped up on my computer screen, the face of  child, just like Mariah except this child was an orphan, living in an institution on the other side of the world. As I read about the lives of these children my heart broke into a million pieces. I knew I had to do something, but what? it seemed so BIG, so IMPOSSIBLE!! so I turned away. I walked away and never looked at those little pitiful lost faces again, until, a few years later I was on the computer doing the same thing and on my screen appeared a small little girl with Down syndrome who looked so lost, so distant. With tears streaming down my face I found myself clicking on her picture, and another picture and another, I read about the future of these children if they were not adopted. I read stories about courageous parents who had rescued these children and had given them a new  life. Parents who said "I see you, and I will climb every mountain to get to you." Again I felt very insignificant and small, compared to such a big, big need. but, this time I didn't turn a away. I couldn't turn away.
     I knew my husband at the time, did not share my passion but, I had to do something! I saved every penny I had and went on a mission trip to Bulgaria. (That too is another story deserving of its own post,) 6 years ago I found myself walking through the doors of a baby orphanage. Nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to experience. I had heard others describe the quietness of the orphanage,but you cannot fully understand it until you have experienced it. Have you ever walked into a daycare? or a preschool? what do you hear? the sound of little foot steps? the sound of children laughing, playing, maybe you hear the sound of music or the sound of crying babies? I heard nothing but silence, but the sound of my own breathing and our foot steps as we made our way up the cement stairs that led to a small room lined from wall to wall with cribs.(this is not a picture I took, but it is what I saw).



I wanted to run out of there. I wanted to shut my eyes from what I was seeing, and  pretend that it didn't exist. I was trying to hold back the tears. Afraid to let them see me cry. Afraid I would offend the care takers who a most of the time doing the best they can with what they know. I had heard earlier about a  little baby girl with down syndrome who had just arrived at the orphanage. She was a twin and because of the way her country sees children with Down syndrome her family felt like the only option for her was the orphanage. My friend asked me if I wanted to hold her. My mind was saying "no, no you don't want to hold her, turn around a walk out." But, I felt God gently nudging me closer to her until she was in my arms. her body felt so warm and small. I caressed the top of her head. Her hair felt like silk,  her eyes were distant as if she was in another world.  I whispered to her that she was beautiful and that I would spend the rest of my life changing the way the world saw her and Down syndrome.   Two and a half years ago a stinky lost 7 year old little girl in a urine saturated dress came into my life. That moment will always be etched in my heart. She walked in hold the  hand of the  director of the orphanage. I called her name and she came over to me, put both arms around my neck and kissed each of me cheeks as if to say "I have been waiting for you."  Before that day she was unknown to the world. Her cries were not heard, and she did not know the love a  mother. But I saw her, I saw her worth, her beauty,  her divinity. behind  the urine and rotten teeth smell I saw the light in her eyes and I knew that God had a purpose for her life. Her name is Ailey and her name means full of light or radiates light. And that is what she does everywhere she goes she shines her light.  Look what love can do.                                                                                                                   
                                                                 




Ailey Grace adopted from China in 2014



Katie Faith came to us after being here for a year. adopted in 2014












These are pictures my adoption mom friends have shared with me. They are why we do what we do.this is why we feel what we feel. 















They are why I adopt. Not because we need another child but, because another child needs us. He needs us.                                                                                                                                            




 Adoption is hard, It isn't always unicorns and rainbows. It is messy, unpredictable, exhausting. and at times it will bring you to your knees. It takes endurance, trust, and a whole lot of  faith. But, it is in those moments when I have grown closer to God. It is in those moment when I learn the most about who God is.                                                                                                                                             


 If you want to see what God sees, look into the eyes of an orphan.                     
If you want to know what God hears, listen to the orphans cry.                          
If you want to know what God feels hold an orphan in your arms.                     
If you want to know how to love as God loves, be a mother to an orphan.