Be Still

The last couple of weeks have been  a great test of faith.  In order for us to adopt internationally, we had to get approval from USCIS (Immigration). In the adoption world we call this the golden ticket.  There are certain requirements that they look for. They want to make sure you are suitable to adopt and that you can care for the child once you bring them home.  I called to see if we had been assigned an officer and we had. I talked to her and she told me that I would be getting a request for evidence in the mail in about 10-21 days! My heart sunk! wait NO!!! not a pink slip!!! this is the dreaded slip that we as adoptive moms worry about getting,and it was happening to us.  She would not tell me on the phone what it was about. She just said that they had a question and she doesn't have good luck explaining it over the phone and I would just have to wait! She has no idea what torture that is to an adoptive mom. I had to wait 3 weeks to find out what she wanted???  do they not understand we want to get to our children? I  admit it I was a mess!! I was so fearful of the outcome. My mind was taking me to the worst case scenario. the one where I get the answer that our application was denied. I thought of every possible thing that could be wrong. Then the I started to doubt. I started to doubt the on who brought this to us. The one who said "go" the one who said  "I will make a way for you. Have faith, trust in MY PLAN, I will not leave you."  yep, I started to doubt God. I didn't want to hear from others that it was all in God's timing and that there must be a  reason. Just have faith! I have said those exact words to others during hard times, but today they were not comforting to me. Have faith?? I don't have faith, and I don't understand any of this. I spent the next couple of days with a fearful heart. I was choosing fear and a whole lot of pain! I found myself on my knees many times begging for a miracle! I was sitting at  try the park one day praying for some kind of comfort and peace. I don't know about you, but the Lord often times answers my prayers through music. This song came on the radio by Hillary Scott.

Still

                I believe that You were God alone
                But sometimes I still try to take control
                ‘Cause I get scared when I can't see the end
                 And all You want from me is to let go

                 You're parting waters
                  Making a rain for me
                  You're moving mountains that I don't even see
                 You've answered my prayer before I even speak
                All You need for me to be is still

                I bring my praise before I bring my need
               ‘Cause there's no fear You've not already seen
                I rest my heart on all Your promises
              ‘Cause I have seen and know Your faithfulness
              And know that You are God

             Be still
            And know that You, trust that You are parting waters
             Lord, You whispered my name
            Oh, You answered my prayer
             You're moving mountains

How many times do we try to control things in our lives that are out of our control?  when we can't see the end we question and we faith in the one that brought us to this point in our lives.  and all he wants for us is to LET GO and to BE still. I was also reminded that he never promised me that once I started on this journey that it would be easy, he never said there wouldn't be times of pain and sorrow, but he did promise that he would be with us every step of the way.  There is a talk that I have listened too many time since we started this adoption and I love it so much. It is by Jeffery R. Holland titled "Cast not away therefore your confidence."    

I love his words "Fear ye not.” And when the second and the third and the fourth blows come, “fear ye not. . . . The Lord shall fight for you.” “Cast not away therefore your confidence.”

I called our officer and asked her if she would please just tell me what it was about and she was very nice and apologized for worrying me. She was confused about my income from being a Host parent because it isn't taxed, and she didn't understand what it was. I remember thinking to myself  "is that all? I worried for a whole week and that is all she wants?" I had the information she wanted and was able to send it in right away. Yesterday,  I saw the USCIS number come through and I am pretty sure my heart stopped beating and I forgot to breath as I answered the phone. She very business like,  informed me that she was able to approve us and it was already in the mail! We are moving forward again. One step closer. ONE GIANT step closer to having him in our arms. 

 BE STILL and KNOW that I AM God!