A mother's heart

     I woke up this morning to the sound of falling snow. If you listen closely, snow does have a sound. It is a peaceful quiet sound as if all the earth has stopped. I could see the tiny snow flakes in the light of the street lamps, dancing as they weightlessly drifted to the ground. Each one spoke to me a message of love and peace. A message that all is well. I have wanted to share my heart for a while now, yet I just can't seem to find the words to describe how I feel about orphans.  Many ask why we are adopting. I have heard comments such as"you have enough children". "You can't save them all". . "why would you want to do this. This child will always be with you. what about retiring you will never have time to do things". "what about your other kids, it's not fair to them". These comments may be innocent, but it doesn't make them any less painful.
     Others cannot begin to understand my heart unless they have experienced what I have experienced.  How it feels to yearn to hold a once forgotten  little boy that is on the other side of the world.  Let me start from the beginning. I was 14 years old when I was touched be the lives of 3 children with special needs. I was drawn to these children who were in my neighborhood and attended church with me. I remember feeling so much love when I was around them. I was asked by their family if I wanted a summer job taking care of them. I was so excited to spend my summer days with these children. I learned so much from them. I learned very quickly what to do when they had a seizure, I learned that people can be cruel and that they didn't understand the world of special needs, and  I learned how to run really fast when they would take off down the road HAHA!!  Most of all I  learned that love wasn't what I thought it was. I knew that God had blessed my life by bringing those kids into my world. As time went on and I continued to go through my teenage years, my passion for kids with special needs grew.
     When I was a senior in high school I got a job at a care center for children with special needs. I sadly learned the truth of what these families were going through. There just  wasn't any support for families at that time and so a lot of children were cared for outside of the home in care centers. I woke up  everyday excited to see those kids. I had so many wonderful experiences while I was working there. I saw things that broke my heart, children who had been abused, children who had been abandoned, families who came to see their children and left in tears. They felt hopeless and longed to care for their children, but circumstances made it difficult for them to do so. Most of all my heart hurt for the ones with no family. I wanted to take them home and show them what love was and what it felt like to have a family.
    I had big dreams back then. I used to lay in bed at night and imagine what my life was going to be like. I would get married to a wonderful man and together we would adopt all these beautiful children that were invisible to most. Well, life didn't really go as planned, and my dream eventually faded until I had completely given up on it.  Until, years latter when I gave birth to my fourth child. A little girl that would change so many lives. Mariah came into this world with a little something extra. Extra love, Extra compassion, Extra grace, Extra spunkiness, Extra courage. When I heard the words "your daughter has Down syndrome" My world was turned upside down in a beautiful way. Her story deserves its own post but, it is part of a bigger story.
    You see I remember searching one day on the Internet to find information on Down syndrome and a picture popped up on my computer screen, the face of  child, just like Mariah except this child was an orphan, living in an institution on the other side of the world. As I read about the lives of these children my heart broke into a million pieces. I knew I had to do something, but what? it seemed so BIG, so IMPOSSIBLE!! so I turned away. I walked away and never looked at those little pitiful lost faces again, until, a few years later I was on the computer doing the same thing and on my screen appeared a small little girl with Down syndrome who looked so lost, so distant. With tears streaming down my face I found myself clicking on her picture, and another picture and another, I read about the future of these children if they were not adopted. I read stories about courageous parents who had rescued these children and had given them a new  life. Parents who said "I see you, and I will climb every mountain to get to you." Again I felt very insignificant and small, compared to such a big, big need. but, this time I didn't turn a away. I couldn't turn away.
     I knew my husband at the time, did not share my passion but, I had to do something! I saved every penny I had and went on a mission trip to Bulgaria. (That too is another story deserving of its own post,) 6 years ago I found myself walking through the doors of a baby orphanage. Nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to experience. I had heard others describe the quietness of the orphanage,but you cannot fully understand it until you have experienced it. Have you ever walked into a daycare? or a preschool? what do you hear? the sound of little foot steps? the sound of children laughing, playing, maybe you hear the sound of music or the sound of crying babies? I heard nothing but silence, but the sound of my own breathing and our foot steps as we made our way up the cement stairs that led to a small room lined from wall to wall with cribs.(this is not a picture I took, but it is what I saw).

I wanted to run out of there. I wanted to shut my eyes from what I was seeing, and  pretend that it didn't exist. I was trying to hold back the tears. Afraid to let them see me cry. Afraid I would offend the care takers who a most of the time doing the best they can with what they know. I had heard earlier about a  little baby girl with down syndrome who had just arrived at the orphanage. She was a twin and because of the way her country sees children with Down syndrome her family felt like the only option for her was the orphanage. My friend asked me if I wanted to hold her. My mind was saying "no, no you don't want to hold her, turn around a walk out." But, I felt God gently nudging me closer to her until she was in my arms. her body felt so warm and small. I caressed the top of her head. Her hair felt like silk,  her eyes were distant as if she was in another world.  I whispered to her that she was beautiful and that I would spend the rest of my life changing the way the world saw her and Down syndrome.   Two and a half years ago a stinky lost 7 year old little girl in a urine saturated dress came into my life. That moment will always be etched in my heart. She walked in hold the  hand of the  director of the orphanage. I called her name and she came over to me, put both arms around my neck and kissed each of me cheeks as if to say "I have been waiting for you."  Before that day she was unknown to the world. Her cries were not heard, and she did not know the love a  mother. But I saw her, I saw her worth, her beauty,  her divinity. behind  the urine and rotten teeth smell I saw the light in her eyes and I knew that God had a purpose for her life. Her name is Ailey and her name means full of light or radiates light. And that is what she does everywhere she goes she shines her light.  Look what love can do.                                                                                                                   

                                                                 

Ailey Grace adopted from China in 2014

Katie Faith came to us after being here for a year. adopted in 2014

These are pictures my adoption mom friends have shared with me. They are why we do what we do.this is why we feel what we feel. 

They are why I adopt. Not because we need another child but, because another child needs us. He needs us.                                                                                                                                            

 Adoption is hard, It isn't always unicorns and rainbows. It is messy, unpredictable, exhausting. and at times it will bring you to your knees. It takes endurance, trust, and a whole lot of  faith. But, it is in those moments when I have grown closer to God. It is in those moment when I learn the most about who God is.                                                                                                                                             

 If you want to see what God sees, look into the eyes of an orphan.                     

If you want to know what God hears, listen to the orphans cry.                          

If you want to know what God feels hold an orphan in your arms.                     

If you want to know how to love as God loves, be a mother to an orphan.